I have been M.I.A.....

Here is a brief update.

My Lap/ hysteroscopy is still scheduled for this Wednesday. I am real nervous about it. Being put to sleep really scares me. I've had a lap before when I had my gall bladder removed. I don't know anyone who has had both of these done. I keep trying to google success stories, but they are few and far between. I just pray everything goes right, and there will be good news waiting on me when I wake up.

During my little hiatus, it has really been great not having to think about TTC and my unsuccessful attempts. Now I am back dwelling about it because of this surgery.

Prayers appreciated. :-)

Rescheduled

Lap and hysteroscopy for June 15. Seems a ways away, but the time will go fast I'm sure.

It's been awhile.....

I know it has been awhile since I last blogged; however, I was just in a real bad place. I was tired of seeing/hearing BFP announcements. I am very happy for others who are successful, especially those who have struggled for so long. Yet, it's a constant reminder of my situation. Also, I just needed time to accept my current situation. It may just be a reality that I may never have anymore children. That is a hard pill to swallow. Don't get me wrong. I feel/am truly blessed to have Mooshkah. I just wanted at least one more. I want her to experience having a sibling.

I received my information and registration for my surgery. They want me to have it April 11. That date is too soon for me. I am going to call and see if I can reschedule it for later in May. Despite that fact that I want to accumulate more sick days, something inside is tell me to wait, and not rush into the lap surgery.

During this brief hiatus, we decided to move into the "not-trying, not-preventing" phase. Right now, trying is too much pressure, and the fact that chances are slim to non of happening, we (I) need a break. I am tired of letting this TTC taking over my life, making me moody, and crying all the time. I have been beating myself up as a woman, feeling like a complete failure, and I am tired of this pity party. I will still have the surgery, and be proactive with the Dr. but other than that if it happens it happens. I won't be charting, temping, or anything else. Right now, I am okay with this.

In talking to my friend about Lent, she inspired me to give up something and in the process build on my relationship with the All Mighty. Her and I do not share the same religion, and I've always been a praying woman, but why not participate in a special period for praying, sacrifice, and forgiveness. So at first I gave up candy. Petty, I know. But I can really eat a lot of candy, and I would like to get more healthy. I've done real good, but giving this up wasn't fulfilling to me. I felt like there was more. It occurred to me over the weekend, exactly what I should give up and that is complaining. This is tough for me. When it comes to others, I can find a silver lining to every situation, but when it comes to me, I am as negative as it comes. I have been so down about TTC and all the other barriers that have come my way, that I forgot about all the blessings I have. I have been so focused on all the negatives in my life for way too long. I know not everything will be peachy every single day, but its how I handle it that matters. I will try to find the positive in every situation. I need to rely on the fact that the Lord will not give me anything more than Him and I can't handle together. I will work on getting back to me and being happy.

So today, right now, despite the chaos, disappointment of things not working out as I would like, financial barriers, and all the other negativity around me, AF back again kicking my butt and staying too long....I am at peace, and I am okay. I understand how difficult this attitude change will be, and I know I may slip up, and will still need to vent periodically, but.... I am okay

well....

the doctor's appointment went okay, I guess...

Firstly, my wait in the waiting room was almost an hour... good thing I brought a book to read. I never seen so many pregnant people in one room before. I been to OBGYN many many times, and never had I seen THAT many pregnant women. Pregnant check-in receptionist, pregnant patients, pregnant nurses.. UGH! I have to admit I was so annoyed because I want to be one of them so bad! I overheard one pregnant lady, as she was being called in, complaining about her pregnancy, as she waddled back with the nurse. I wanted to yell, you don't know how lucky you are!

Dr. L met with me and went over the results. My right tube is completely blocked, and my left is blocked half-way. He suggest doing a lap and hysteroscopy, so he can see whats really going on. This procedure won't happen for a couple of months, because A.) he is booked, and B.) I haven't accumulated enough sick time at my new job yet. So any hopes/chances of me having a 2011 baby are gone. This procedure will determine if I stay with him, or if infertility specialist is my only option, which means if IVF is my only option, then I have no options. Because I know that's not something we are able to afford.

I'm not sure what to think or feel. I just feel numb right now.

Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and...

...PRAYING.... that tomorrow's HSG follow-up appointment goes well. I am in need of some good news for once. PLEASE!!!

1. Not ovulating - CHECK
2. PCOS - CHECK
3. Blocked Tubes - CHECK

PLEASE NO MORE BAD NEWS!!!

Prayers are welcome.... ;-)

Well..... Yet another blow.....

The good news:

I guess.... is that it didn't hurt. The only thing that was uncomfortable was the speculum and the hard flat table I was laying on.

The bad news:

The test showed that both tubes are blocked. The smallest part of me feels relief, because at least I know why we haven't been so successful. The rest of me is terrified and heartbroken because I don't know what this means?

From the moment I made it to my car, I just balled. I can't stop. Now I am at work just trying to keep it together.

I assume everything went well and done correctly. I just can't believe this is happening. Does this mean IVF is my only option? Does this mean I have to have surgery? I just feel like I am being punished. Will I ever get a freakin' break?

My follow up appointment is Next Friday on the 18th. I will find out what the next step is then.

I just want to go home, get in the bed, and cry myself to sleep.

HSG Procedure ....

Is tomorrow at 11 at the hospital. Has anyone in blog-world gone through this? Does it hurt? What should I expect? anyone...........?

As you can see, I am a tad bit nervous.

Back in Bid'ness!!!

AF has managed to stay gone since Friday....let the bd'ing begin!!!!! :-)

Back from the New OBGYN

and so far so good.....

I liked him. He had a positive energy and was honest. I took him through the last year, and explained what's currently going on. He had empathy and compassion. He told me flat out, he is not an infertility specialist, and based on the past year's journey I am certainly a candidate for an RE. (of course something I already knew) Clomid is as far as he goes in the line of infertility. He gave me the option to try things out with him, or he would refer me. He had a plan. First he did some blood work, checking for anemia (considering the amount of blood I lost) and pregnancy (laughable). Then he did an ultrasound to see if anything going on. (all clear). He was surprised to hear my last OBGYN had not done a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) on me. So he wanted to do one of those (I will have that done next Wednesday). We will meet a week after and see what's what. So the next couple of months I will see how this goes, and if I feel I am ready to try an RE again, I will have him refer me. The nearest RE in my insurance network is 50 min. away in a different city. At this point, the jury is still out on hopeful, but I don't feel defeated either.

As for the bleeding....that's the joys of PCOS. Aunt flow has decided to disappear again. (not that I am complaining). I hope she stays gone for awhile.

Really??? TMI Vent

As I was sitting here getting ready to blog about how FINALLY Aunt Flo has left, I felt that ol' familiar feeling... SO I make a mad dash to the bathroom and guess what? She is freakin back again! I can't believe I started bleeding again. I was so excited that it was gone just in time for my first appointment with the new OBGYN!!! I guess I got cocky.... It was oh so light yesterday, and completely gone by the evening, and there was no sign of it in the morning, and all afternoon, until now. I was happy to be free from those products, you know the tampon-pad combination. I mean really... I have been wearing these products for more than 35 days. I just wanted to feel what it was like to just wear underwear with no contraptions on it. Yup, I got cocky. Now I just want to cry. I am so beyond sick of this.

Update...

AF is still here. Yup... been bleeding over a month now....

I have a Doctor appointment this Friday with a new OBGYN. I am not sure what will happen, considering I am still freakin bleeding. I hope this will be more than just a consultation. I hope this doctor will be compassionate and a little more aggressive....

When I began calling around to different OBGYN's to see if they're taking new patients (there isn't nearly as many as where I was living a few months ago), so many were full or not taking anyone unless you are preggers. I wanted to say so bad to say to them, "well I am trying to be, working to be...does that count? Is that good enough?"

I came across this office who has about 5 OBGYN's in there. I spoke with the nurse. Out of frustration/desperation, I spilled the last years events. Everything from clomid cycles, metformin, irregular bleeding, RE referral, everything. I then disclose how frustrated and heartbreaking this has been, and I really want a doctor who understands that, who will take the time to explain things to me, not throw everything under the rug and say "It will happen", etc.... I can't believe I went on and on. The nurse was very sweet. She begin telling me her story, of how long it took, and she completely understands what I am going through, etc. There is a brand new doctor there, and she told me he is really nice, and she suggest I try him out.

Well, I meet with him this Friday. I am nervous. I don't want to be disappointment. I want to feel like there is at least a plan in place, and I want him to make this freakin bleeding stop!

Wordless Wednesday.....

AF over stayed her welcome. She is still here. Been here since the end of January... Yup, you read that correctly, SHE IS STILL HERE.... She won't take a hint and leave already.... ^$&$@!!

Wishing Everyone....

... A Happy Valentine's Day!!!!! :-)

Put Me In The Game, Coach!

How in the heck am I supposed TTC if I haven't stopped spotting since the end of Jan? Normally for me AF gets pretty heavy, but this time, its just been spotting to light-flow constantly since the end of Jan. I just want it to go away so we can get back to TTC. I just feel like I can't get a break! It's one thing to try and to not succeed, but now I can't even try! ugh.....

In other news, Friday, after the 3 snow days; I jumped out on a limb and applied for grad school. I have been wanting to do this for sometime. After I got married, I kept putting it off in case I got pregnant. Well, I guess I am tired of putting my life on hold, for something that may not be in the cards. I am so nervous. I pray I get in. My undergrad gpa was not as good as it should have been. It's not horrible, but could be better. I finished my undergrad around 7/8 years ago, so I hope they take that into account. I decided not to tell anyone, not even H. That way I can avoid any questions and keep this just for me. Fingers crossed!

At least this gives me something else to obsess on! ;-)

Enjoying 3 snow days, should not bring tears....

I received an email from a co-worker (friend) from my previous job. She was catching me up on all the updates there. I didn't get passed the 2nd paragraph. Since I left in December 2010, there have been 3 pregnancy announcements. (you may remember a few blogs ago where I was I surrounded by pregnancy announcements) However, the one that hit hard, was learning that one of the advisors that used to work in my department is now expecting their 2nd child. It seems like yesterday they had their first one. Although I am happy for them, this is just another magnifier on my situation. Lapped yet again. When will it be my turn? Seriously, when will it be? I am just really bummed right now.......

Public Service Announcement

People, People, People.....

Please don't complain about being pregnant, or mention you are tired of being pregnant on FB, when there are so many who wish and pray to be in your position.

I dunno.... maybe I am just overly sensitive this morning.........

An award and such...

I've been given an award by http://summastarlet.blogspot.com/! How awesome!







Now I must link the awesome person who gave me the award, tell 7 things about myself, award 15 great blogger, and inform those bloggers of the award. I am not sure I will be able to do all of this, but I will give it the ol' college try! ;-)

1. I have an amazing 8 yr old daughter and I have been TTC #2 for almost 15 months with no success.
2. I watch way too much TV than I probably should. I have all kinds of guilty reality tv pleasures ranging Jersey Shore, Housewives (all of them) to Teen Mom.
3. Loose strands of hair creeps me out, especially when its wet. I gag everytime I try to pick it up.
4. I love the way cabbage patch kids smell. I still hung on to mine from when I was a kid, and purchased a few for Mooshkah, and I smell them from time to time.
5. H and I were best friends for about 14 years before we decided to persue a relationship. We met in highschool. We both dated our share of losers before we discovered what was right under our nose.
6. Outside of blogging and reading blogs. I LOOOOOVE reading fiction. Its my outlet when I am stressed. Its so easy to feel alone in the TTC world. I am so appreciative of my blooger friends who keep me encouraged and let me know I am not alone.
7. Reapeating #1. I truly pray that 2011 is our year. My deepest fear is finding out the only method that will help us conceive is something that we can't afford...

I will award bloggers tomorrow..........

I think I am out for this cycle...

I was really hopeful on Tuesday. I wasn't feeling my best due to fighting this cold, but around 1:00 am early Wednesday morning I was awaken by a really upset, nauseous stomach. I won't go into the TMI details, but throwing up was part of it. Although I felt terrible, I couldn't help but get excited about what that could mean.

I stayed home yesterday to rest. I prayed that this wasn't a flu bug, and I could actually be preggers. Well...... around early evening, I began to spot....... Figures. Just another way for the Reproductive Gods to make a fool out of me again.

Since then, I have been spotting off and on. I am not sure if this means AF is on her way, or my body is going back to its irregular, spot-when-it-freakin'-feels-like ways. I just feel so defeated once again. I haven't even told H yet. This time around, I dread saying those words out loud. I am not sure why, I've had tons of practice month after month.

I have to find a new OBGYN. My insurance for my new job doesn't kick in until Feb 1st. I am not sure if my RE is covered with this insurance. I just feel like I am starting all over on this heartbreaking journey.

On the up side... I was given an award! When I get home I will nominate and tell a few things about me.

I don't have the nerve....

to test.....

Still no AF as of yet. I know I'm not preggers, but I just rather see AF then one little line... silly huh...

Maybe I will get enough nerve later in the week. I'm doing a really good job at not obsessing this time around.

Although last night, I teared up watching Extreme Births on TLC,( I think that was he channel)

I will just focus on getting rid of this pesky headcold that decided to visit me yesterday...

Not sure what to think.

This has been such a crazy time for me with the move and the new job. TTC has been the furthest from my mind. I can only think of maybe 2 times this cycle were H and I DTD. Luckily, right before the move I recorded my LMP on the computer. December 12,....... So here it is, no AF. The last 2 cycles have been pretty normal since I have been on metformin. I am not sure what to think here. I'm wondering if my cycles is going back to being irregular? Because I really have been terrible on my diet during the holidays. I don't want to get my hopes up and I am scared to POAS for fear of seeing that one little line. I don't feel any symptoms, and looking back, I don't think our DTD was on the fertile days. UGH..............

2010 - A Year In Review....

I stole this from a few other blogs........

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Met with a RE.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No, I didn't really lose that much weight and I didn't get preggers. This year, I don't think I will make any.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, but tons became pregnant. Here's hoping 2011 will be my year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, my uncle.

5. What countries did you visit?

none

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you didn’t have in 2010?

Healthy pregnancy and baby (ies). :-)

7. What dates from 2010 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

June - began the clomid cycles. November - Mom got clean bill of health; Referred to RE and put on Metformin. December - celebrated our first anniversary, and offered new position and move to different city.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

Honestly, I don't feel like I really had one.

9. What was your biggest failure?

TCC and IF obsessed, and not just enjoying life, and counting my blessing.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

LOL, and American Girl Doll. Seeing the smile on my daughter's face and the joy.... priceless.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Geez, drawing a blank here...

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Me. At times I can be my worst enemy. Going through TCC disappointments every month, and not have a OB really doing all they can..... ugh

14. Where did most your money go?

household expenses

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Being offered this new position which would allow me to be closer to my parents.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Another blank...

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a. happier b. just a tad thinner c. poorer due to moving expenses, and getting situated.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Not dwelling and being more proactive.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Letting things get to me so easily.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Spent time with family, packing and moving.

21. What was your favorite TV program?

So many: Real Housewives, The Game, Cougartown, Modern Family, Office, Jersey Shore, and tons more guilty pleasures I am too embarrased to type! lol

22. What was the best book you read?

Can't think of one for 2010. Spent most of the time reading blogs and TTC forums, with a few Fiction Novels to keep my mind off things at times.

23. What did you want and get?

A. eReader, and gift cards. Got both.

24. What did you want and not get?

Pregnant and winning the lottery! lol

25. What was your favorite film of 2010?

First thing that comes to mind is Blind Side (is that 2010?) and Couples Reteat, and Grown ups...

26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 31 last July. I went to dinner at Red Lobster with Family. Its a tradition. I have been going there for years with my birthday.

27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not focusing so much on TTC and put my focus other places.

28. Who did you miss?

My old self. She's back though!

29. Who was the best new person you met?

Blogger friends! SO supportive and awesome!

30. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Keep the faith, and don't lose sight of self. Sidebar: you can't count on everbody.

Happy New Year!!

Geeze! I've been away for so long.

I have been so busy. Here is a quick summary:

I have officially moved to a new city, and begun a new job. Today is my second day. We still have tons of boxes to unpack. Mooshkah has started a new school and loves it!

As for TTC, It has been the last thing on my mind! lol I don't even know what Cycle day I am on! lol. Hopefully, things will get back to normal soon!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Holiday and a Happy New Year.

I have so many blogs to catch up on....... (smile)