This break was just what I needed. TTC has been the last thing on my mind and that has been wonderful.
I am currently taking 4 metformin (extended) a day. I think so far I have lost about 6 lbs. I guess that is ok since I haven't been truly faithful to my diet. And considering tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I won't be faithful tomorrow. Bread is certainly my weakness. I will start back on Monday. I have been spotting/light bleeding for almost 2 weeks. At first I was excited because I thought I produced AF on my own, and things will start to be regular now.... but now its just plain annoying and interrupting BD time......
I had an interview for the gig I applied for. The interview was last week, where there was a search committee drilling me with questions, and then I had to do a presentation on the academic process for them. I was so nervous. I made it the the 2nd round, where I had a follow up interview with the Vice President. Surprisingly, that was pretty informal. So now, its just the waiting game. I don't know how many candidates are in the running, but I hope I made a good impression, and they pick me. FINGERS CROSSED!!!!
I have to admit. I was doing so good with not letting TTC or not being successful consume my brain, until yesterday. I was checking into facebook, and this "friend" of mine, who we were engaged around the same time, and got married this past May, announced that they are expecting, by changing their default picture to an ultrasound pic. For some reason, that hurt. We are not that particularly close, but seeing that, magnified that I am falling behind in the baby race. I was lapped again...... Ugh When will it be our turn? I just have to continue to shake off this feeling of inadequacy and keep looking forward.
I am looking forward to spending time with my family. My parents are hosting Thanksgiving this year, so I don't have far to travel. I just hope I don't have to answer to many"When are you going to have another" questions......
I am up to 3 metformin pills a day. For the most part, I done pretty well with the diet. I did have a few slip ups... I've always tried to avoid scales. But now, I need to purchase one so I can see and keep track my progress. Still no AF, so I will call then week about getting provera.
There has been a lot of things going on in my world lately especially with family. One being, My great uncle passed away the end of last week, so Sunday me and a few of my cousins headed out of town to attend the funeral yesterday. His home-going wasn't unexpected. He lived a long blessed life. I am at peace knowing he is pain free and at peace. My uncle is my grandmother's older brother. My grandmother passed away 2 years ago very unexpectedly. Being down there with everyone brought back all the emotions. I don't think I allowed myself to mourn for her loss. She was a amazing person, and we were very close. I really miss her.
The other family issues I will write about at another time. However, with regards to everything going on, H hasn't been as supportive as he should, thus now there is tension at home too. Ugh!
This morning I log in to learn 2 blogs I follow have just gotten their BFP!! I am so happy for them. I wish them a happy and healthy pregnancy!! It is also bittersweet. It just magnifies my situation that we still haven't been successful, and still have a ways to go.
At this point my spirit is low. The majority of my blogs lately have been so down and negative. Granted, I know TTC can be emotional, and its okay to feel what you feel. But its not me. I am usually a positive person, I've always been that way. However, for a while now I have been so consumed with pity party's of TTC failure that I've lost sight of me. I've forgotten that TTC is not what I am all about. For now own, my blog won't be just about that either. It will just be about me and all that that means.
I am going to be taking a break for a few days to do a little mental cleaning, and renewing my spirit.
I am sorry this post has been all over the place......
I POAS yesterday morning........BFN! (no surprises there). Although I must admit that I kind of thought that with all the issues surrounding this appointment that maybe it wasn't meant me for me to go because maybe i was already BFP.... Gotta love how your mind can play tricks on you.
So after the BFN, I decided to keep my appointment with the RE. He was nice. I could tell, he was surprised when I told him about the routine things my OB didn't do. I won't dwell on her....
He listened as I gave him a run-down of my TTC experience this year. After some assessments, the diagnoses was clear. PCOS. I'm not surprised since my last OB hee-haw'd around this possibility. From there, he created a game plan. Metformin, and a strict diet. He stated that at this stage the Clomid won't work, until the underlying problem was taken care of. I am to follow this strict diet for 3 mos and have a follow-up appointment in February. I am still trying to wrap my head around everything.
Positive: Now I know what's going on, and can do something about it Negative: This diagnosis and treatment pushes BFP off longer than I would like.
What really bothers me is that this is something I could have known 3 mos ago! I could be in a better place to TTC right now, had my OB did what would be routine steps. UGH! I am really trying to not let that get me down.
AF still hasn't come. RE told me if by day 45 and AF is still not here and I have a BFN call the office for a prescription of Provera.
This is going to be so hard, but I just gotta do it.
I must admit.......
"During this process, you try to grasp at any hope, imaginary symptom, just any confirmation that you will be preggers one day soon. It's quite an emotional rollercoaster. I remember being on one of my many TTC boards early this year in January. I came across a thread that read "baby psychic". I clicked on it and read about this "Baby psychic"and her supposed accuracy of predicting if and when you will be pregnant. Now, I am a skeptic when it comes to things like this. I see this as entertainment. Maybe it caught me at a desperate moment, maybe I just wanted to hear some shred of hope that we would be successful this year, I am not sure....But I decided to entertain this entertainment. Besides it was free! I emailed this "psychic" and gave her the required information (name, age, birthdate of H and I). I guess I just needed to hear that it would happen for us. Well, months went by and I didn't hear anything. To be honest, I completely forgot about it. Well sometime in May or June, I was checking my email and a was surprised when I received a response. She stated. "They show a girl and relate her to NOVEMBER so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in". Most of me blew it off as pure nonsense, but a little part of me hoped it was true. Here we are to November.....and I am so embarrassed and feel so foolish that I even gave this any 2nd thought. Aw well, it was fun for a moment...... Unless I will be due in November... ;-) lol"
Back to reality and this new journey.
I am now in the process of figuring our menus for me of the foods I can eat. With this Metformin, the RE wants me to start with 1 pill a day and slowly increase it to 4 pills a day provided no side effects. I will document this journey.
But at this moment, I feel both happy and sad; both empowered and defeated.....
So there is a chance that my insurance won't cover the RE consultation tomorrow.... Yay for me! All because there is nothing in my file from my OB that has U/S, blood work, semen analysis etc... Well maybe its because she didn't listen, blew my concerns off, and didn't follow through with things. I mean, why should I be penalized for things SHE didn't do??? I've had U/S for the last 4 cycles and it states no where in the file..... All I have going for me is the fact H and I have been TTC unprotected for a year. Hopefully that will be enough for us to be approved for tomorrow. If not, I have to pay out of pocket... grrrr. If I cancel, I have to wait until end of Nov, because the RE is only there ever other week......
With all that cell phone drama, it completely slipped my mind. October has really been a month of misses for me: missing positivity, $100 swipe from my purse; my iphone that I kept everything on, and the TV remote! Ok, the last one sounds comical, but I really totally destroyed a room looking for that doggone TV remote.
What really burns me about losing my cell is that I had tons of pictures on it. AND of course I didn't back it up. I took Mooshkah to a Halloween Carnival Saturday evening. I purposely left my purse in the trunk only taking my keys, phone, and cash. When we first walked in there, there was this mini haunted house that we we walk in. There was this part of the haunted house you had to crawl through. I think that is the point it fell out my pocket. By the end of it, I realized it was gone. I told everyone, asked around, went in there about a half dozen more times, to the point that me knees are bruised. No such luck. I am still trying to hold on to faith that there are still good Samaritan's out there. I just really want my pictures. I decided to go ahead and replace the phone last night. My cell is also my house phone so I need a working number that hopefully the gig I applied for will call!
Tomorrow is my RE appointment. I am not sure how I feel. To be honest, I am nervous and not very excited for it. H has to work, so I will be going alone. I wish he could be there. I just feel like I am going to get bad news. Like "try for another year, and then come back to see us news. I am not sure what to expect. I feel like I will be opening a can of worms with this appointment. I just wish this step wasn't necessary, and that I could do this on my own. I know that sounds crazy. What if the Dr. and the staff aren't nice? I don't want another Dr. that is not patient and doesn't listen. My thoughts are all over the place. Because I was an emotional wreck my last Dr. appt, I decided to go ahead and take the whole day off.
I will pick up a test tonight and POAS tonight or tomorrow morning. I am dreading that too! I know it's negative, I know there is no way we successful this month, since Madame ovaries didn't respond to the Clomid, but I don't want to see the negative either. It's just so hard to see.
I hate being so negative....
On a lighter note, Here is my Mooshkah as a "School Teacher" for this Halloween:
"AF" = Aunt Flo/Menstrual Cycle
"BFN" = Big Fat Negative
"BFP" = Big Fat Postive
"FMU" = First Morning Urine
"Hubby/H" = Husband
"Mooshkah" = daughter
"POAS" = Pee on a stick/pregnancy test
"TMI" = Too Much Information (warning)