Well, I finally calmed down after that $100 swipe enough to enjoy the weekend.
I told myself that I wasn't going to read anything into those possible "imaginary symptoms." But I can't help it! I know the chances are slim to none that we conceived after getting the results from the U/S that both ovaries were non responsive, but DAMMIT I feel stuff. Before the U/S and up until now, I keep feeling cramps, twinges, sharp pains that come and go periodically. I am sure it's the side effects of the Clomid playing with my emotions or stress. Even H told me my "lady lumps" were bigger! LOL But I am sure he was just being frisky. I woke up during the middle of the night last night(1:33 am to be exact) to locate some tums because I had heartburn really bad. I also was hot, so I turn the AC down. Yes I am well aware it's October. I more than likely getting some sort of bug, but a girl can't help but wonder. I kept feeling the sensation that AF is coming either with dull cramps, or lots of CM but nothing. And I have been so emotional lately, again that can be stress. UGH I got excited at the fact that maybe AF was coming on its own. But then I realized, I am about 15 days from the end of this cycle, so it's too soon. I am trying so hard to not dwell on anything and wait to my RE appointment. I believe day 35 falls on the appointment with RE. I can't wait to have a bean in my oven.
I died my hair again. I think I am addicted. This dye was supposed to me more red, but it came out even darker. I better stop while I am ahead before I look like Morticia Addams.
I pretty much slept most of Sunday. I am sure it's the weather. H began his new gig today, so I can't wait to hear how it went. As for me, I still haven't heard from the gig I applied for. I am trying to remain positive, yet not let it consume my thoughts, but I have to admit, I am getting a little nervous/worried. (sigh)
I watched Sister Wives last night. I must admit, I am sad to see the season has ended so soon. That show totally pulled me in. I find the dynamics so interesting.
I discovered 100 dollars is missing from my purse, and I have a sneaky suspicious that someone came in the office and had sticky fingers! &^%*#!
I wore my favorite long draped cardigan to work today, only to discover when I finally made it home this evening that there was this big hole in the back. I know it wasn't there this morning, so I must of snagged it on something during the day. No one at work gave me heads-up???
It is great working for the state. I learned that my dental insurance still hasn't paid for Mooshkah's routine check up, that was 6 months ago because they ran out of funds. Thank you state insurance. Yet you manage to take your monthy cut out of my check on time.
My stomach has been weird for the past couple of days ranging from sour stomach to mini cramps.
I have been through a whirlwind of emotion since Friday. I cried most of Friday evening. I woke up Saturday angry. Angry with my uncooperating body and angry with the Dr.
Saturday evening, H and I had dinner with a few other couples, so that lifted my spirits a little.
I decided that first thing Monday morning, I will call the Dr. Office and inquire again about 150 mg of Clomid. Considering that the right ovary never responded with the 100 mg, and my left only responded once, maybe I have a shot?? The worst they can say is no, right? If I don't ask, I won't know.
But I am still all set with my appointment with the RE in November.
The other day I distinctly remember feeling sharp little pains from what I believe, coming from my ovaries. I was so excited because, I never felt any part of ovulation, so I was hopeful this cycle would be a success.
Fast forward to this morning, as I am sitting on the ultrasound table spread eagle nervous about the outcome. Figures. Just like the scan last month, my right ovary showed nothing. I was banking on my left ovary, praying that my left showed something. Nothing. I fought back tears as I heard her say "Oh honey, I am so sorry, but blah blah blah..." I just kept telling myself, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
I was taken to another room, because I still needed to have my annual done. Once the nurse closed the door I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. Why is this so hard? I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I am being punished for something. The Dr. came in to do the annual exam. She could sense I was upset, and tried to ease my frustration.
Last night, H and I came up with tons of questions for the Dr. in the event no follies were found. I wrote every question down and set the paper next to my purse so I wouldn't forget. This morning, I was rushing around because I was running behind schedule and I left my the questions. ARGH! I didn't realize it until I was at the Dr. office. I don't know, maybe deep down, I didn't think I would need them, because this was going to be our month.
During the examination, I tried to remember every question, but I was just so upset. Basically, the Dr. told me she wants to keep me at 100 mg of Clomid, because although it didn't work this cycle, it worked the last cycle. I questioned her about last cycle, how even with the HCG shot I still didn't ovulate, and needed the assistance of Provera to bring AF. Her response " That's odd, I am not sure what happened with that??" WTH??? She also stated that even though H and I have been TTC for over a year, this is only my 3rd round of Clomid, and it can take anywhere from 6 - 12 mos??? &%$%#!!!!! She did refer me to a RE that is in a totally different city. She explained that basically she no longer works with major infertility, or go beyond Clomid anymore, and the RE should be the next step.
The RE is based in a different state (Indiana), but has a satellite office in my state, in the city that is about hour away from me. Because of this, it could be awhile before I can get in. She wrote me another prescription of Clomid in the meantime. The RE of course is not in my insurance provider network. Yes, please give me more hoops to jump through!
I asked her, is there a chance that maybe I already ovulated?? I know I am grasping at straws. Her response "anything can happen.." She encouraged me to still "BD often." But really, what's the point?
I contacted insurance to see what I need to do about this out of network RE. I contacted the RE and I have an appointment November 2nd.
I am still trying to digest everything. I just feel so defeated.
Tomorrow morning is my annual and ultrasound appt. with the Dr.
I am so nervous. What if they don't see any follies??? I am not sure I can bare the bad news. I am trying so hard be optimistic but ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I keep feeling like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop....
Now that the Clomid is done, I've moved into phase 2. You know the "rabbit" phase. So far H and I have been bd'ing every other day. I still wonder is that enough? Should we be bd'ing more?
I am going to the Dr.'s office this Friday (day 14) to check for follies (finger's crossed!!) I hope there are more than 1, and I get and HCG shot. I can't help but wonder if BD'ing now is a waste of time, and that maybe we should hold off and BD like crazy this weekend? I don't want to waste any good swimmers. ARRRGH!!!! I just want to do everything right. Last night after the deed, as I lay with my legs in the air lol, I was trying to figure out the best strategies. I have to quit putting so much pressure on myself.
So I was on one of my many TTC boards/forums, and I came across this pic that someone used as their avi. WTH indeed! For some reason this image gives me the willies. Please tell me this is not a real doll?
On a humorous note........ even Barbie got knocked up before I ;-)
"AF" = Aunt Flo/Menstrual Cycle
"BFN" = Big Fat Negative
"BFP" = Big Fat Postive
"FMU" = First Morning Urine
"Hubby/H" = Husband
"Mooshkah" = daughter
"POAS" = Pee on a stick/pregnancy test
"TMI" = Too Much Information (warning)