Monday, June 13, 2011

I have been M.I.A.....

Here is a brief update.

My Lap/ hysteroscopy is still scheduled for this Wednesday. I am real nervous about it. Being put to sleep really scares me. I've had a lap before when I had my gall bladder removed. I don't know anyone who has had both of these done. I keep trying to google success stories, but they are few and far between. I just pray everything goes right, and there will be good news waiting on me when I wake up.

During my little hiatus, it has really been great not having to think about TTC and my unsuccessful attempts. Now I am back dwelling about it because of this surgery.

Prayers appreciated. :-)

Thursday, April 7, 2011


Lap and hysteroscopy for June 15. Seems a ways away, but the time will go fast I'm sure.

Monday, April 4, 2011

It's been awhile.....

I know it has been awhile since I last blogged; however, I was just in a real bad place. I was tired of seeing/hearing BFP announcements. I am very happy for others who are successful, especially those who have struggled for so long. Yet, it's a constant reminder of my situation. Also, I just needed time to accept my current situation. It may just be a reality that I may never have anymore children. That is a hard pill to swallow. Don't get me wrong. I feel/am truly blessed to have Mooshkah. I just wanted at least one more. I want her to experience having a sibling.

I received my information and registration for my surgery. They want me to have it April 11. That date is too soon for me. I am going to call and see if I can reschedule it for later in May. Despite that fact that I want to accumulate more sick days, something inside is tell me to wait, and not rush into the lap surgery.

During this brief hiatus, we decided to move into the "not-trying, not-preventing" phase. Right now, trying is too much pressure, and the fact that chances are slim to non of happening, we (I) need a break. I am tired of letting this TTC taking over my life, making me moody, and crying all the time. I have been beating myself up as a woman, feeling like a complete failure, and I am tired of this pity party. I will still have the surgery, and be proactive with the Dr. but other than that if it happens it happens. I won't be charting, temping, or anything else. Right now, I am okay with this.

In talking to my friend about Lent, she inspired me to give up something and in the process build on my relationship with the All Mighty. Her and I do not share the same religion, and I've always been a praying woman, but why not participate in a special period for praying, sacrifice, and forgiveness. So at first I gave up candy. Petty, I know. But I can really eat a lot of candy, and I would like to get more healthy. I've done real good, but giving this up wasn't fulfilling to me. I felt like there was more. It occurred to me over the weekend, exactly what I should give up and that is complaining. This is tough for me. When it comes to others, I can find a silver lining to every situation, but when it comes to me, I am as negative as it comes. I have been so down about TTC and all the other barriers that have come my way, that I forgot about all the blessings I have. I have been so focused on all the negatives in my life for way too long. I know not everything will be peachy every single day, but its how I handle it that matters. I will try to find the positive in every situation. I need to rely on the fact that the Lord will not give me anything more than Him and I can't handle together. I will work on getting back to me and being happy.

So today, right now, despite the chaos, disappointment of things not working out as I would like, financial barriers, and all the other negativity around me, AF back again kicking my butt and staying too long....I am at peace, and I am okay. I understand how difficult this attitude change will be, and I know I may slip up, and will still need to vent periodically, but.... I am okay

Friday, March 18, 2011


the doctor's appointment went okay, I guess...

Firstly, my wait in the waiting room was almost an hour... good thing I brought a book to read. I never seen so many pregnant people in one room before. I been to OBGYN many many times, and never had I seen THAT many pregnant women. Pregnant check-in receptionist, pregnant patients, pregnant nurses.. UGH! I have to admit I was so annoyed because I want to be one of them so bad! I overheard one pregnant lady, as she was being called in, complaining about her pregnancy, as she waddled back with the nurse. I wanted to yell, you don't know how lucky you are!

Dr. L met with me and went over the results. My right tube is completely blocked, and my left is blocked half-way. He suggest doing a lap and hysteroscopy, so he can see whats really going on. This procedure won't happen for a couple of months, because A.) he is booked, and B.) I haven't accumulated enough sick time at my new job yet. So any hopes/chances of me having a 2011 baby are gone. This procedure will determine if I stay with him, or if infertility specialist is my only option, which means if IVF is my only option, then I have no options. Because I know that's not something we are able to afford.

I'm not sure what to think or feel. I just feel numb right now.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and...

...PRAYING.... that tomorrow's HSG follow-up appointment goes well. I am in need of some good news for once. PLEASE!!!

  1. Not ovulating - CHECK
  3. Blocked Tubes - CHECK


Prayers are welcome.... ;-)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Well..... Yet another blow.....

The good news:

I guess.... is that it didn't hurt. The only thing that was uncomfortable was the speculum and the hard flat table I was laying on.

The bad news:

The test showed that both tubes are blocked. The smallest part of me feels relief, because at least I know why we haven't been so successful. The rest of me is terrified and heartbroken because I don't know what this means?

From the moment I made it to my car, I just balled. I can't stop. Now I am at work just trying to keep it together.

I assume everything went well and done correctly. I just can't believe this is happening. Does this mean IVF is my only option? Does this mean I have to have surgery? I just feel like I am being punished. Will I ever get a freakin' break?

My follow up appointment is Next Friday on the 18th. I will find out what the next step is then.

I just want to go home, get in the bed, and cry myself to sleep.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

HSG Procedure ....

Is tomorrow at 11 at the hospital. Has anyone in blog-world gone through this? Does it hurt? What should I expect? anyone...........?

As you can see, I am a tad bit nervous.