Day 5!!

Today is Day 5! I have begun my 3rd round of Clomid.

Normally I take Clomid in the evening, but not this morning. I woke up early to take my little 2 tablets! I'm still feeling pretty good, outside of this nagging headache.

fingers crossed!

Operation: Take My Mind Off TTC!!!

The last couple of days I've had a few (just a few) moments of lows. Feeling the occasional discouragement that this won't be our month, or making snarky comments whenever I see those POAS commercials (that come on way too often if you ask me!!), or any mention of pregnancy on my favorite shows will get an automatic eye roll.

Maybe its because of the severe beating AF is giving me? I mean she really has it out for me! lol Nonetheless, I am determine to get my positive mojo back! I will be hopeful that this is our month, and if it we aren't successful, then positive it will be the next month. I will try not to make this my main focus of everyday, and I will not read anything into any symptom.

To accomplish this I will create a list of things to occupy my time and my brain!

• JUST READ: I just picked up a new book to read. I use to read all the time. Whenever I was stressed, reading would be my stress reliever, and take my mind off of things.

• JUST DYE:I picked up some hair dye this morning on my way to work. I have been wanting to change my hair in some kind of way. I don't want to cut it just yet, but I thought Hey? Why not color it?? Years ago, I used to color my hair as often as the wind blew. Maybe this new change will help me with my new outlook.
  

• JUST DECORATE: I am so sick and tired of looking at our non decorated bedroom, and bedding. When it comes to home decor and color palettes I am never content. My taste change so frequently. When H and I registered for our wedding, we pick this bedding that at the time I thought was nice. (although he more than I) We even picked coordinated pieces for the bathroom. Now I hate them both. So once again, I am on the hunt for new bedding. H was complaining about the duvet slipping from the duvet clips. I thought that was the perfect opportunity to tell him that we (really me) need to get a new comfortable set and decor. His response: I should have kept my mouth shut. :-)

• JUST SORT: It's time for a reality check. "I will never be able to fit you". I am holding on to so many jeans, tops, jackets, slacks, that I will most likely never fit again. I really need to give up the dream and get rid of those things. Also, Mooshkah has outgrown a lot of things. I will designate a weekend to get this done.

• JUST SEARCH: H and I grew up in the same town. So both of our parents still reside there. We currently live about a little over an hour away from them. Which really isn't that bad. Our parents aren't getting any younger and I really would like to live closer to them. I've put in application for a gig there, so now I am just in the waiting phase to see if I get an interview. (prayers Please) I will continue to search for other job opportunities closer to family.

• JUST MOVE: In the event that I get a job closer (fingers crossed) We will have to move. I am not one for not being prepared, so I have been scanning possible locations, neighborhoods to move and bookmarking them.

• JUST LAUGH: I am so passed due for a adult gathering. I want to either have a girls night, or a couples night with some of my friends.
  

These things are enough to take my mind off of TTC at least for the month of October. Who am I kidding?? lol TTC will still be on my mind, but I will give it my best shot to put my focus elsewhere.

Dreamin'................

During the night, I had 3 seperate pregnancy dreams back to back to back. Each one told a different story but all of them had a happy ending of me finding out I was pregnant. I don't put too much in dreams, but I hope this is sign of things to come. :-)

AF decided to show up today! YAY!!

Question, do you count spotting as day 1? Or do you wait until it looks like true AF?

waiting...

This weekend really feels like fall is here. It has been so chilly. Yuck, I feel like I am getting sick. UGH.

Still waiting on the dreaded AF. She should be here any day now..... The last few cycles of provera, AF came within 3 days, but she is taking her time with this cycle. I am so ready to begin this next cycle. I really feel like this month could be our month. *fingers crossed* :-) I am not sure why I feel so upbeat about this cycle, but I hope this feeling lasts.

All About "Us"

I saw this survey on several other blogs and I just had to do it too!


1. When is your “engagement” anniversary:
How terrible is it that I don't know the date? LOL I do know it was in March! lol

2. When is your “marriage” anniversary:
December 5th

3. How long have you known your spouse:
17 years... WOW!!

4. How long did you date/court before you were engaged:
Off and on for about 3 years

5. Where did you meet your spouse for the first time?
Gym class in high school

6. What is your spouse’s full name:
"H"

7. Do you have any children:
None together, but we are TTC

8. How many – boys/girls:
-

9. Do you have any house pets:
no

10. Do you own a house or rent:
Own

11. Do you live in the country or town/city:
City

12. What is one of your favorite activities together:
Watching TV, being silly

13. Do you have a favorite vacation spot:
We love cruises!

14. When did you first kiss?
a week after we started dating

15. What church do you attend?
we attend church

16. Is this the church you were married in:
Yes

17. What town is your current address at:
Midwest

18. Do you work or stay at home:
Work

19. Where did you go on your honeymoon:
Western Carribean

20. What was the funniest gift you gave when dating?
hand-warmers, and a VHS tape of his favorite movie when he was a kid.

21. How long have you been together?
2 years

22. How long did you know each other before you started dating?
13 years

23. Who asked who out?
No one really asked each other out. We just sort of turned into a couple.

24. How old are each of you?
Both in our early 30's

25. Where do each of you go to school?
Neither one of us are in school

26. Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
TTC

27. Did you go to the same school?
yes

28. Are you from the same home town?
sort of

29. Who is smarter?
depends... we both are

30. Who is more sensitive?
me

31. Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Chipotle, Panda Express

32. Where is the farthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Caribbean

33. Who has the craziest exes?
umm......neither now?

34. Who has the worse temper?
He does.

35. Who does the cooking?
He more than I

36. Who is more social?
me

37. Who is the neat-freak?
depends

38. Who is more stubborn?
He is.

39. Who hogs the bed?
me

40. Who wakes up earlier?
He does.

41. Where was your first date?
lunch date at Applebees

42. Who had more boyfriends/girlfriends?
me

43. Do you get flowers often?
No

44. How do you spend the holidays?
With both of our families

45. Who is more jealous?
He is

46. How long did it take to get serious?
Not long

47. Who eats more?
me

48. Who does the laundry?
both

49. Who’s better with the computer?
He is

50. Leave a piece of advice for the other couples.
Communication is very important. Try to find the humor in things.

Tag, You're it!

I've been tagged for the first time! Lindsay at "Waiting for that Positve" tagged me. Thanks!

I have a break in between appointments, so I will answer these questions. I will tag others with questions when I get home.



1. If you could live anywhere else in the world where would it be?
** Somewhere hot. I live in the Midwest, and it gets so bitterly cold at times, I hate it. Summer has always been my favorite season. Weird I know, but the hotter the better!

2. Who do you find inspiring (other than your family members)?
** This is tough, because I truly do look up to my mother and grandmother. I was taught at very young age, the importance and strength of diversity, independence, hard work, compassion, education, among other values I hold so dear.

3. What was the last book you read? and What was the last one you read that you would suggest other's read?
** I am currently reading "God Ain't Blind". To be honest, I can't say If I would encourage others to read it. So far, it has just been "okay" for me. It is part of a series. Because I have read the others (which have been really good), I've invested my time, so I want to see the series through.

4. Have you had any major injuries?
** Luckily, no - Knock on wood :-)

5. Do you have a favorite quote or motto?
** My Dad always says "Don't take any wooden nickels." To me, it's funny, but still has a great message!

And a bonus....Because I really liked this question - Do you have a Favorite band/singer/artist?
** Toughie! I love all types of music, so my favorites change from day to day. My Current favorites are: Adele, Prince, Expose (Yup totally 80's) and Drake.

To be continued..........

Hello Provera, we meet again...

I pretty much relaxed this weekend. Mooshkah spent time with her Dad, and her grandparents this weekend, So H and I were able to take advantage of some much needed quality time.

Walgreens messed up my prescription, so it took a while to get things straighten out. I find it funny that I have to pay to bring on the dreaded AF. Looking forward to her coming and leaving soon. I don't like the symptoms she produces. It seems this cycle, my lady lumps (lol) are a little more tender and heavy.

Outside of TTC:
I think I am totally burned out at work. I am in need of a tropical get-away. I don't even have the motivation to give 110%. H and I's first anniversary is in December, so I have been thinking about going somewhere then, or early part of spring. I think as long as a trip is in the works that might change my attitude at work.

I will try positive thinking this cycle and I will have a BFP before Christmas! :-)

Frustration

I just need to vent........

The nurse called me today to give me the results of my blood test. Of course it was negative. I knew it going in I wasn't pregnant. The BFN told me that. My gut told me that. Why was hearing her say the words "your test was negative, you are not pregnant" so hard to hear??? I mean, I knew that, yet at that moment I wanted to break down and cry. I rushed off the phone so that I wouldn't been seen crying at my desk. I just needed to get some air.

I told her where to call in the prescription. Yet again, Provera and 100 mg of Clomid, days 5 - 7....blah, blah, blah. My Dr. wants to keep me at 100 mg. My question is, if I wasn't successful at 100 mg Clomid this past month, what makes them think I will be this month? Is there anyone out there who wasn't successful one month, but were the 2nd month with no changes in dosage????

Last night, I was just fine...now I just feel like a failure...

The department I work in is giving a co-worker a baby shower today. Someone is always pregnant here. Currently, there are 3 people pregnant. I want to know what faucet they are drinking their water from, so I can pour me a tall glass of it. I can't escape it. I don't think I will attend it. Selfish I know, but I am just not in a mood to see people gushing over all the baby stuff, and hearing all the wonderful things she is experiencing with her pregnancy, that I am sure she will be complaining about......

I just want to go home and crawl into bed.... Hurry up end of the day......

On To The Next One......

I expected the blow, yet was shocked by it at the same time. I feel so silly. There were even moments where I caught my self rubbing my belly, just imagining this miracle growing inside me.

I woke up this morning at 4:00 am with a full bladder (sorry TMI) trying to decide if I should take the test or not. Should I do it alone after H leaves for work, or do I want him here? Should I just waste all this good FMU and go to the bathroom and take the test another time? I decided to just go for it.

Staring at the test is like watching water boil. 2 minutes passed, then 5 minutes. No change. No plus sign for me. Crushed.

I much rather see AF than no lines.

I informed H of what I expected all along. He attempted to lift my spirits by telling me "Hey it will be ok, it will happen for us before the end of the year I know it". I wish I could be so sure. Then he reminded me that Michael Jordan was in the league for years before he got his first championship ring. He's a goof! I know he was trying to cheer me up, but look here buddy, I don't give a damn about Michael or a Jordan, I want a baby! LOL

I called the Dr. office as soon as they opened. I left the dreaded message on the nurse's voicemail that once again, we weren't successful.

The nurse called me back and asked where to send the prescription of Provera and 100mg of Clomid. She was really nice and encouraging. After I got off the phone, I dozed back off, only to be waken by the nurse calling again. The Dr. wants to do a bloodtest first before they send in the prescription. I haul ass to the their office, so the results will be in by tomorrow.

After a few expletives and tears, I feel pretty much at peace and eager to start this next cycle. Maybe this time next month, I will have better news!

F&%!

BFN!!!!!!!

I don't even have any words at this moment..............

Salsa Con Queso & A Pregnancy Test

Last night, I had butterflies in my stomach for most of the evening. I just kept thinking, today is "Day 34, and tomorrow is Day 35". I am supposed to call the Dr. office on day 35 if AF has not come, and i have a BFN so i can start Provera again. Why can't this be easy? I thought of so many scenarios of putting off taking the test, taking it next week maybe? But if it is a BFN, I really want to get this Provera over with so I can started on cycle 13. I still can't believe it has been a year of TTC with no success. I feel like my mind is all over the place.

I said so many prayers last night, prayers that we succeeded our our 12th cycle. Prayers for strength if a BFN is inevitable, Prayers to be able to shrug it off and keep moving forward. I prayed so much that I am sure God way thinking "ALRIGHT ALREADY"! (Hey at least I am able to keep a sense of humor, right?)

Surprisingly, I slept soundly last night. Almost like an alcohol-induced sleep, though I had nothing to drink last night. My hubby leaves for work early in the morning while I am still sleep, but he always kissing me goodbye, which usually wakes me up enough for me to mumble "have a good day". But this time, I was awaken by the alarm clock, and I realized, he didn't kiss me goodbye! I sent him a angry text this morning about it, but apparently he did and I slept right through it! LOL

I got myself and my 8 yr old (Mooshkah) daughter ready all while "DAY 35" chanted in my head. It's decision time. I dropped her off at school and stopped by the Walgreens on the way. I picked up some Tostitos Queso, and a generic pregnancy test and drove to work. Now I sit at my desk with the test in my purse taunting me. I am not sure when I will take it. Maybe this evening after work? Maybe first thing tomorrow morning with FMU? The decision is really based on my emotions. Do I want to see a BFN tonight and be negative, grumpy, emotional for the rest of the evening, but hopefully be in better spirits for tomorrow???? OR do I want to one more day of imaginary what-if bliss, and take it in the morning, and then be all those negative things for the rest of the day?? OR should I save the negativity for the weekend and take it then??? LOL

Wow, I used to be such a positive person. I guess optimism doesn't live here no' mo'.

Another Day.. and Nothing........

Day 33 and not one symptom. I have no desire to POAS either. I intentionally haven't purchased a test either. Last month, I had a First Response that had two in the box. So every time I went in the bathroom it taunted me. It just sat there in the bathroom cabinet sending out messages like
"you know you want to take me.." LOL

I am just not in the mood to see a BFN. I am at the point now where I have to psych myself up to be ready for it. I just need a couple more days of imaginary bliss......

Give Me A Break!!!

Five out of the 7 days a week, my 8 yr old, hints at wanting a sibling..... you know, one of these... "I want to be a big sister", "I sure wish I had a little sister", "If I had a little brother or sister, I would always have someone to play with", "Mommy, I cleaned up my room, does that make me be responsible enough to be a big sister," or the direct hint; "Mommy, when are you going to have another baby?". Sigh......

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING, MOMMY IS TRYING!!!!" But instead, I change the subject, as my heart aches for her.

I never knew that his could be so hard. My 8 year old was an unplanned miracle; a blessing from a previous relationship. My year was up on my BC at the time, and I hadn't made my annual appointment with my OBGYN, and during that little window.. here she came! I always wanted to have at least 3 children, and being that I am the youngest , and my siblings are 7 and 10 years older than me, always wanted to have children closer in age. A lot of times I felt like an only child, and I was envious of my friends who had siblings close to them.

So when my daughter came along, and being unmarried, I wanted to wait until I was married and stable. Well 8 yrs later, I am married to a wonderful man, and ovulation/conceptionally challenged. As Alanis Morissette sings, Isn't it Ironic?

Day 32

Here I am at day 32 and I do not have the nerve to POAS. Day 35, I am supposed to contact the Dr. office if I AF hasn't come and if I no BFP. I have no idea when ovulation happened, but according to the HCG trigger shot I am guessing I am possible 17 DPO??. UGH!!! I've felt symptoms here and there, but not enough to make me think that we are successful this month. Here I am at the point where I am praying for some sort of sign, praying to vomit my guts out, praying for sore breast, praying for back pain, praying for smell aversions, praying for lack of sleep, or to be extremely tired I can't move. Who prays for things like that? A TTC'er that's who.

I am not sure when I will get up enough nerve to POAS, but it will continue consume my thoughts......................

On to day 33...

Rememberance

Remembering 9/11. My heartfelt prayers go out to the familes and everyone effected by this horrific tragedy.

Fabulous Friday 5

To take my mind off of TTC, I aimlessly surf the internet. These are 5 random things I have come across during my week that deserve a shout out!

1. Baby Flower Hand bands:

These are so freakin' adorable! I will be making a mental note of these when my hubby and I have a little girl. Here is to wishful thinking! This was found on www.pinkbowtique.com

2. Baby Bedding:




How sweet is this nursery? I love how the pink and blue is mixed with the chocolate. This bedding is certainly on my list of possibles. This is found at Pottery Barn.

3. Oldschool!!



That's right! Converse is making a comeback! For all of you fashionista mommy's out there, they have the original converse lace ups, Velcro, and design your own. These are so cute!

4. Retro lunch boxes




This is so cute! My 8yr old would love this! This was found on myretrobaby.com

5. Names

This not really a find, but I have been thinking about names lately. I know its a little too soon to think about that, but I keep this list of possible baby names. Whenever I come across a name that is timeless, or unique I write them down.

Beware!

Not sure what I am doing wrong, but every time I try to upload, I get this "Your image is corrupted" message! HELP!!!!!!!

Ah well, I will keep trying...

Technical Difficulties

Having issues uploading calendars...... please stand by :-)

The Run Down.....

As I sit here on my lunch break to reflect on the last year, I still can't believe my hubby and I aren't pregnant.

Even though our wedding date wasn't until December 2009, hubby and I decided to start TTC in September, because my cycle's are so irregular, I knew it would take a while for us to be successful. Plus, insurance and my Dr, wanted us to TTC on our own before any medical (fertility) intervention could happen. I couldn't believe that September, October, and November cycles were pretty much regular. I thought WOW!! Even though we didn't conceive, at least my body was being predictable, so when I felt ready to use OPK's, it would be a little easier to predict.

Joke was on me, from December to March, the dreaded witch never showed her ugly face. Normally, that would be a good sign, but no.... After the 3rd BFN, Dr. put me on Provera so my AF could come. Then she wanted me to document the next three months, and make a follow up appointment with her in May/June, and we would figure out a plan.

I will upload those journals shortly....

March, April, and May were uneventful, except for BD'ing until muscles were sore! lol Then AF showed, over stayed her welcome for almost a month! Who does that?? lol

I couldn't wait to make my follow up appointment. Dr. put me on 21 day Provera, and 50mg of Clomid, to take days 5 - 9, with a follow up ultrasound appointment on Day 12 - 14, to see if lady ovary has a nice follicle for me. That month went pretty well with out a hitch. No major side effects, except for the occasional dull headache. We BD'd when were were supposed to; days 10 through 20. But when I went in for my ultrasound, lady ovary had nothing for me. I was still in good spirits. By day 35, AF still hadn't paid me a visit, so they started me on Provera again.

I will also upload this journal shortly.....

Back at it again, I was put on Provera, and this time 100 mg of Clomid; Days 5 - 9. I went in for a ultrasound on day 14, and what do you know??? Lady ovary (left) had a nice follicle; 19cm. They decided to administer a HCG shot to promote ovulation. I didn't know it would cost an arm and leg! Here we are, waiting. I won't know if we are successful until next week.

I try not to pay close attention to symptoms, because I want this so bad, I know my brain is manufacturing these things, just to keep my hopes up. You almost get to the point where you don't want to take a test, because at least you don't have to see a BFN, and there will still be hope. Oh how I hate to POAS!

So here we are a year later, married, and still TTC!

So It Goes....

Blogging about married life, balancing acts, and TTC. This is the aftermath of the Adventures of Single-Em. Now what?