Tag, You're it!

I've been tagged for the first time! Lindsay at "Waiting for that Positve" tagged me. Thanks!

I have a break in between appointments, so I will answer these questions. I will tag others with questions when I get home.



1. If you could live anywhere else in the world where would it be?
** Somewhere hot. I live in the Midwest, and it gets so bitterly cold at times, I hate it. Summer has always been my favorite season. Weird I know, but the hotter the better!

2. Who do you find inspiring (other than your family members)?
** This is tough, because I truly do look up to my mother and grandmother. I was taught at very young age, the importance and strength of diversity, independence, hard work, compassion, education, among other values I hold so dear.

3. What was the last book you read? and What was the last one you read that you would suggest other's read?
** I am currently reading "God Ain't Blind". To be honest, I can't say If I would encourage others to read it. So far, it has just been "okay" for me. It is part of a series. Because I have read the others (which have been really good), I've invested my time, so I want to see the series through.

4. Have you had any major injuries?
** Luckily, no - Knock on wood :-)

5. Do you have a favorite quote or motto?
** My Dad always says "Don't take any wooden nickels." To me, it's funny, but still has a great message!

And a bonus....Because I really liked this question - Do you have a Favorite band/singer/artist?
** Toughie! I love all types of music, so my favorites change from day to day. My Current favorites are: Adele, Prince, Expose (Yup totally 80's) and Drake.

To be continued..........

Hello Provera, we meet again...

I pretty much relaxed this weekend. Mooshkah spent time with her Dad, and her grandparents this weekend, So H and I were able to take advantage of some much needed quality time.

Walgreens messed up my prescription, so it took a while to get things straighten out. I find it funny that I have to pay to bring on the dreaded AF. Looking forward to her coming and leaving soon. I don't like the symptoms she produces. It seems this cycle, my lady lumps (lol) are a little more tender and heavy.

Outside of TTC:
I think I am totally burned out at work. I am in need of a tropical get-away. I don't even have the motivation to give 110%. H and I's first anniversary is in December, so I have been thinking about going somewhere then, or early part of spring. I think as long as a trip is in the works that might change my attitude at work.

I will try positive thinking this cycle and I will have a BFP before Christmas! :-)

Frustration

I just need to vent........

The nurse called me today to give me the results of my blood test. Of course it was negative. I knew it going in I wasn't pregnant. The BFN told me that. My gut told me that. Why was hearing her say the words "your test was negative, you are not pregnant" so hard to hear??? I mean, I knew that, yet at that moment I wanted to break down and cry. I rushed off the phone so that I wouldn't been seen crying at my desk. I just needed to get some air.

I told her where to call in the prescription. Yet again, Provera and 100 mg of Clomid, days 5 - 7....blah, blah, blah. My Dr. wants to keep me at 100 mg. My question is, if I wasn't successful at 100 mg Clomid this past month, what makes them think I will be this month? Is there anyone out there who wasn't successful one month, but were the 2nd month with no changes in dosage????

Last night, I was just fine...now I just feel like a failure...

The department I work in is giving a co-worker a baby shower today. Someone is always pregnant here. Currently, there are 3 people pregnant. I want to know what faucet they are drinking their water from, so I can pour me a tall glass of it. I can't escape it. I don't think I will attend it. Selfish I know, but I am just not in a mood to see people gushing over all the baby stuff, and hearing all the wonderful things she is experiencing with her pregnancy, that I am sure she will be complaining about......

I just want to go home and crawl into bed.... Hurry up end of the day......

On To The Next One......

I expected the blow, yet was shocked by it at the same time. I feel so silly. There were even moments where I caught my self rubbing my belly, just imagining this miracle growing inside me.

I woke up this morning at 4:00 am with a full bladder (sorry TMI) trying to decide if I should take the test or not. Should I do it alone after H leaves for work, or do I want him here? Should I just waste all this good FMU and go to the bathroom and take the test another time? I decided to just go for it.

Staring at the test is like watching water boil. 2 minutes passed, then 5 minutes. No change. No plus sign for me. Crushed.

I much rather see AF than no lines.

I informed H of what I expected all along. He attempted to lift my spirits by telling me "Hey it will be ok, it will happen for us before the end of the year I know it". I wish I could be so sure. Then he reminded me that Michael Jordan was in the league for years before he got his first championship ring. He's a goof! I know he was trying to cheer me up, but look here buddy, I don't give a damn about Michael or a Jordan, I want a baby! LOL

I called the Dr. office as soon as they opened. I left the dreaded message on the nurse's voicemail that once again, we weren't successful.

The nurse called me back and asked where to send the prescription of Provera and 100mg of Clomid. She was really nice and encouraging. After I got off the phone, I dozed back off, only to be waken by the nurse calling again. The Dr. wants to do a bloodtest first before they send in the prescription. I haul ass to the their office, so the results will be in by tomorrow.

After a few expletives and tears, I feel pretty much at peace and eager to start this next cycle. Maybe this time next month, I will have better news!

F&%!

BFN!!!!!!!

I don't even have any words at this moment..............

Salsa Con Queso & A Pregnancy Test

Last night, I had butterflies in my stomach for most of the evening. I just kept thinking, today is "Day 34, and tomorrow is Day 35". I am supposed to call the Dr. office on day 35 if AF has not come, and i have a BFN so i can start Provera again. Why can't this be easy? I thought of so many scenarios of putting off taking the test, taking it next week maybe? But if it is a BFN, I really want to get this Provera over with so I can started on cycle 13. I still can't believe it has been a year of TTC with no success. I feel like my mind is all over the place.

I said so many prayers last night, prayers that we succeeded our our 12th cycle. Prayers for strength if a BFN is inevitable, Prayers to be able to shrug it off and keep moving forward. I prayed so much that I am sure God way thinking "ALRIGHT ALREADY"! (Hey at least I am able to keep a sense of humor, right?)

Surprisingly, I slept soundly last night. Almost like an alcohol-induced sleep, though I had nothing to drink last night. My hubby leaves for work early in the morning while I am still sleep, but he always kissing me goodbye, which usually wakes me up enough for me to mumble "have a good day". But this time, I was awaken by the alarm clock, and I realized, he didn't kiss me goodbye! I sent him a angry text this morning about it, but apparently he did and I slept right through it! LOL

I got myself and my 8 yr old (Mooshkah) daughter ready all while "DAY 35" chanted in my head. It's decision time. I dropped her off at school and stopped by the Walgreens on the way. I picked up some Tostitos Queso, and a generic pregnancy test and drove to work. Now I sit at my desk with the test in my purse taunting me. I am not sure when I will take it. Maybe this evening after work? Maybe first thing tomorrow morning with FMU? The decision is really based on my emotions. Do I want to see a BFN tonight and be negative, grumpy, emotional for the rest of the evening, but hopefully be in better spirits for tomorrow???? OR do I want to one more day of imaginary what-if bliss, and take it in the morning, and then be all those negative things for the rest of the day?? OR should I save the negativity for the weekend and take it then??? LOL

Wow, I used to be such a positive person. I guess optimism doesn't live here no' mo'.

Another Day.. and Nothing........

Day 33 and not one symptom. I have no desire to POAS either. I intentionally haven't purchased a test either. Last month, I had a First Response that had two in the box. So every time I went in the bathroom it taunted me. It just sat there in the bathroom cabinet sending out messages like
"you know you want to take me.." LOL

I am just not in the mood to see a BFN. I am at the point now where I have to psych myself up to be ready for it. I just need a couple more days of imaginary bliss......