I know it has been awhile since I last blogged; however, I was just in a real bad place. I was tired of seeing/hearing BFP announcements. I am very happy for others who are successful, especially those who have struggled for so long. Yet, it's a constant reminder of my situation. Also, I just needed time to accept my current situation. It may just be a reality that I may never have anymore children. That is a hard pill to swallow. Don't get me wrong. I feel/am truly blessed to have Mooshkah. I just wanted at least one more. I want her to experience having a sibling.
I received my information and registration for my surgery. They want me to have it April 11. That date is too soon for me. I am going to call and see if I can reschedule it for later in May. Despite that fact that I want to accumulate more sick days, something inside is tell me to wait, and not rush into the lap surgery.
During this brief hiatus, we decided to move into the "not-trying, not-preventing" phase. Right now, trying is too much pressure, and the fact that chances are slim to non of happening, we (I) need a break. I am tired of letting this TTC taking over my life, making me moody, and crying all the time. I have been beating myself up as a woman, feeling like a complete failure, and I am tired of this pity party. I will still have the surgery, and be proactive with the Dr. but other than that if it happens it happens. I won't be charting, temping, or anything else. Right now, I am okay with this.
In talking to my friend about Lent, she inspired me to give up something and in the process build on my relationship with the All Mighty. Her and I do not share the same religion, and I've always been a praying woman, but why not participate in a special period for praying, sacrifice, and forgiveness. So at first I gave up candy. Petty, I know. But I can really eat a lot of candy, and I would like to get more healthy. I've done real good, but giving this up wasn't fulfilling to me. I felt like there was more. It occurred to me over the weekend, exactly what I should give up and that is complaining. This is tough for me. When it comes to others, I can find a silver lining to every situation, but when it comes to me, I am as negative as it comes. I have been so down about TTC and all the other barriers that have come my way, that I forgot about all the blessings I have. I have been so focused on all the negatives in my life for way too long. I know not everything will be peachy every single day, but its how I handle it that matters. I will try to find the positive in every situation. I need to rely on the fact that the Lord will not give me anything more than Him and I can't handle together. I will work on getting back to me and being happy.
So today, right now, despite the chaos, disappointment of things not working out as I would like, financial barriers, and all the other negativity around me, AF back again kicking my butt and staying too long....I am at peace, and I am okay. I understand how difficult this attitude change will be, and I know I may slip up, and will still need to vent periodically, but.... I am okay
